a poet named baruch who wrote limericks -- bared his whole heart in rhyming rhetorics -- but the critics, et cetra -- made sure he'd get extra -- bad marks for indulging in polemerics

What Uncle Baruch Calls "Poetry"



a poet named baruch who wrote limericks
bared his whole heart in rhyming rhetorics
   but the critics, et cetra
   made sure he'd get extra
bad marks for indulging in polemerics

The Un-Limerick

a young poet from county limerick
was tired of labouring through thin or thick
   to make them all rhyme
   in 8/5 metre time
so ... one day, he said to himself, I just won't do that anymore

the butterfly
doth flutter by
to clutter my
imagination


Poetic Justice

poetic justice
was when agustus
made the decision
that he would imprison
all poets

the consulting chief justice
informed agustus
that to go for broke
he must revoke
poetic license


T.G.I.F.
(Thanks be unto God who gIveth us Friday)

An eternal pessimist from Dundee
On being told it’s Friday, with a grunt he
   said ‘don’t know why you bother
   that just won’t hold water
In just three days it’ll be Monday

P.T.L.A.I.M.
(Praise The Lord Anyway It’s Monday)

An incurable optimist named Grundy
Preferring not to be outdone by Dundee,
   said, ‘I know you meant well,
   but that just won’t sell.
In four short days again, it’s Friday

The Koala

in the land of hinter
where it’s always winter
there lived a ‘polar koala bear’
though he was fair dinkum
feared the weather would sink’m
he was none the worse for the wear

worse for the ‘wear’?
that’s funny, i swear!
for the koala residing in hinter
was only a koala
but a tricky ol’ fella
what he’d ‘wear’ was a white coat during winter

but the coat was indeed polar
from a white bear he stole’er
with a slug of lead and voila!
now, polar bears, like elephants
keep note of such ill events
now the brother of the white coat wears koala!

You Un'erstan

They’d planned their honeymoon in Uzbekistan
From whence they would take in Turkmenistan
   But at one glance at his bank book
   Their itinerary they forsook
Instead they went to stay with his uncle Stan


Visually Impaired Rodents
- to the tune of another nursery rhyme ... I forget which -

a trio of visually impaired rodents
a trio of visually impaired rodents
observe their rapid movements
observe their rapid movements
the trio accosted an agriculturalist’s spouse
who excised their rear appendages with a cleaver (what a louse)
never has there been witnessed such activity in that house
as with the incident of the visually impaired rodents

French

A lass named Polly McKenzie
Took French, because it was trendy
   When asked to romance
   a gentleman from France
she went into a parles vous frenzie

Parisian life he offered, she took it,
but now, she’s a pity to look at
   ‘cause dear Polly, poor wench
   all she’d learned of her French
was ‘silver plate’ and ‘mercy bucket’


Romance with an English Teacher

I wrote my truelove a sonnet
She took it and she sat onnet
And then, I wrote her a balled
Which she declared invalled
I wrote a novel best selling
She returned it on correcting the spelling
The marriage proposal was my finest
But she took that and red inked it D minest

Rhyme by the Bog

‘i ought-ter
be in water
’twould be less hotter,’
said the otter

‘on the top
where i can hop
there’s not a drop,’
said frog, ‘full stop’

‘it’s a fact,’
said the cat,
‘dry’s where it’s at,
and that’s that’

said the eel,
‘wetness, i feel,
is so ideal
that i could squeal’

‘in the bog,’
said the dog,
‘one goes full hog
while eating frog’

‘you, a dog,’ spake the cat
‘are addicted to frog, so much that
you eat like a hog, you’ll get so fat
you’ll sink in that bog, and drown like a rat’

‘what’s wrong with that?’ said the eel
‘drown like a rat? oh! big deal!
wet’s where it’s at, and water’s ideal!
so tel’er to skat, dog, and get for real!’

‘i’m snubbed!’ said the frog. ‘...and i,’ spake the rat
‘ate by a dog?’ ‘drowned by a cat?’
‘and i,’ said the hog. ‘defamed by that
feline and dog! knock ‘em both flat!’

and so, with a squeal
and a rubber gloved eel,
the pig went to deal nine-
ty volts to dog and feline

so doggone
and cat’s scat
’tis less hotter by the water
now and that’s that


The Barbarous Barber

Barbara the Burbur barber
Barbered Burburs with ardour
   While Barbering a Burb
   She says 'Don't disturb...
'Blurbing while barbering is harder.'

As harder as blurbing to Barb,
While robed in barber's garb
   As burbers are shaven
   Their own silence is given
But Barbara's barbarous with her barbs

Barbarians and Samarians

Barb, a barbarian from Barbaria
And her man, lived in a wire barbed area
   Sign said, 'Traspassors beware
   Though I shoot first, I be fair.
If mistaken, I'll have my wife, Barb, bury ya.'

Sam's son, named Samson, and son, Sam, in Samaria
All lived in separate houses in the same area
   Sign said, 'Traspassers beware.
   But if you're feminine and fair,
I'll not shoot, but I'll have my son, Sam, marry ya.'

The Perfect Program

A world where it doesn't rain save there are umbrellas for all
Where, only on the house of the evil doer, would a tree ever fall
Where bad people look gruff and mean, but good men all stand tall
...in your dreams, maybe

A life of harmony and love that begins with just one kiss
Where all is well that ends well, and ever after we'll live in bliss
When good things come to those who wait, with never even a miss
...only on TV

No matter the problem, we're sure there's always a way
Nothing but nothing is impossible to those who dare to say
'Human brawn and whit, my friends, will surely save the day'
...hee hee hee

A Chicken in every pot, a pot on every table
Justice for all, and a job for everyone who's able
I'll just wave my wand and make the economy stable
...vote for me

What we do will save the world from poverty and dispair
We'll right all wrongs and adjust the scales so everything is fare
We'll punish the bad, reward the good, and show the poor we care
...wait and see

...just wait and see

Well, we abolished humanity because it's bad
Some said, 'Oh my! Why, that's so sad!'
But really, it's the only choice we had
...for a perfect world, you see



the forgotten first stanza

there was an old woman who lived in a house
she just coudn't stand it because of her spouse
who could only make babies and that not a few
so she took all the children and moved to a shoe

stanza the third

a brash young social worker whom the government pays
went to see the old woman and her child rearing ways
when she observed the squalid conditions inside that old shoe
she removed all the children and placed them in a zoo

the original went something like this...

there was an old woman with offspring not a few
who had taken up residence inside an old shoe
she economised on carbohidrates, fed them thin broth instead
to save their energy she spanked them all and kept them in bed

Humpty Dumpty
- to the tune of the original Humpty Dumpty - if you can fit all the words in -

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the king’s men
   -- well the men could have probably done it had the horses not insisted on having a go at it first, and what with the egg shells getting stuck to their hooves with super-glue and all that, by the time the men got to it, they just...

...couldn’t put Humpty together again.

the first draft of a limerick:
a seemingly educated limericist named curdy
writes limericks too over exceedingly wordy
   in spite of much how he tries
   to sound educated and wise
one moreover wonders as to how one fringes so
       on the edges of absurdity

the final draft:
poet named curdy
was too wordy
   being wise
   he downsized
no longer nerdy

the adventures of jack horner and jill moffet

jack and jill went out to fetch
the royal pail of water,
but the only water in a mile radius
flowed down the sewage gutter

said jack to jill, 'to reach the hill
where the well is, we must move faster'

but jill nudged jack, he nudged her back,
they broke out in a peal of laughter

now with time to kill, they sat on the wall
with their pail of sewage water
but jack and jill both had a great fall
and the pail came splashing after

so all the kings horses and all the kings men
went up the hill with the bucket again
they too, fell down, broke the king's crown
and the king came screaming after

jill and jack were given the sack
and meanwhile back at home...
at the shoe, mother hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch the dog a bone

but the little dog laughed, 'old woman, you're daft!
the cupboard you'll find so bare!
why, even the spoon, with an amorous dish
have eloped to las vegas, so there!

'the cat was ask'n for the fiddle for busk'n
and since he hasn't been seen
he said his first act is
in london, so must practice
for he hopes to play for the queen'

said hubbard, 'well, now, we've still got our cow'

'you forget so soon! the magic bean
and the commodities trader, who whiped jack clean
he turned around and made a killing
he sold it to nasa for many a shilling
who sent it into orbit in search of the moon'
laughed the dog, 'it's funnier than loony toons!'

finally jack and jill returned to their shoe
with their severance pay, and feeling quite blue

'oh granny dear, we sadly fear,
our royal job we've lost!'

'you naughty kids! you've lost your lids!
do you know how much food costs?
I'll whip you both soundly and put you in bed
and feed you broth...'

'not me!' jack said
and out he did hurry to the neighbour, mary
and jill came running after

now this neighbour, mary, could be quite contrary
-- not a matter for laughter

contrary mary had a lamb, his fleese was white as snow
she took it with her to class, and he helped her garden grow

'teacher mary, quite contrary,
what grows upon your land?'

'what grows? I wouldn't know
you'll have to ask the lamb

'...so, lamb?'

'(call me sam)
er -- that bean you bought with your cow'

'the magic bean? it hasn't been seen
since the day we had that row!'

'it's really quite grand, it
grew where it landed
look out back, you'll see it right now!'

jack looked up, couldn't see the top
and turned to say to jill,
'shall we climb? i think it's time
it would be quite a thrill

then, who (diddle diddle) should arrive with his fiddle?
but the cat, who was looking quite ill

'pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?'

'i've been to london to play for the queen.'

'pussy cat, pussy cat, how much did you earn there?'

'hardly enough to cover the bus fair'

'but why (diddle diddle) did they pay you so little?
their budget is over the moon!'

'...and her corgi laughed and gave me a fright...'

'...and why are you home so soon?'

'a diller a euro, a ten 'o clock bureau-
crat said i must be out by noon

plus, old king cole, being a merry old soul,
already employs fiddlers, three
they play for their supper of white bread and butter
but the rest they do for free

but you, master jack, why are you back
so soon from the royal court?'

'alas,' said jill, 'they said, "you will
bake a pie", but jack miss-heard
instead of "berry" numbering four and twenty
jack thought they said "bird"
so off he went to catch the winged critters
to bake inside the pie
bought the lard for a song and sixpence
and a pocket full of rye

but when the pie was open
jack's birds began to sing
songs of euros and sixpence
and all that sort of thing

so both of us were uncerimoniously ejected
from the royal kitchen
and demoted to the job of royal water fetch'n'

now the little cat laughed to hear such a tail
that his spirits went over the moon
he no longer looked ill, so jack and jill
said, 'c'mon, let's have some fun'

teacher mary,
being quite contrary
warned, 'jack, be nimble, jack be quick
when jumping over my bean pole stick'

so doing, jack and jill went up the beans talk
and the cat came climbing after
and so did the lamb, whose name was sam
tune in again for some more laughter

...to be continued


more from pappa gander

art and simon met a pie man
going to scarborough fair
said art to simon, 'here's a pie man,
why not let's taste his ware'
said paul simon to the pie man,
'what are you selling this time?'
'this one's the rage, it's made with sage
rosemary, parsley and thyme
said art to simon, 'i love thyme man!
pay him and we shall see'
said paul to art, 'how stupid thou art,
the money i gave to thee'
said art to paul, 'not so at all,
you took it and don't forget it!'
said the pie man to art and simon,
'tell me, do you have credit?'
'yes,' said the pair,
'if you're going to scorborough fair
remember us to one who is there'
said arthur,
'she's our bridge over troubled water'
'you mean mrs. robinson?' said the pie man,
'don't bother!
i'm not daft, but do you have a
reliable means of finance?'
art and simon looked at the pie man,
emitting the sound of silence
screamed the pie man, 'oh what the heck man!
here you go, now go away!'
replied the two, 'jusus loves you
more than you will know. hey, hey hey!'

bobby shafto's gone to joe's
silver ear ring in his nose
he'll come back and hit the sack
big bad bobby shafto

humpty dumpty sat on a chair
humpty dumpty said, 'that's not fair
all the king's horses and all the king's men
are simply driving me around the bend
i think i'll try the wall...

hey diddle diddle, the cat played the fiddle
the little dog played the basoon
the poor dish wept to be in such a plight
the cow had swallowed his spoon

it's raining, it's pouring
the old man is boring
us with endless tails of his travails
he'll keep it up until morning


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